Domination and power

Previously: I came to school In a mood ready to destroy something.

Beautiful shiny pin straight hair, tied in a high pony. I wonder, will hurting her hurt her ego? Oh, I forgot, I don’t really care. Why do I always choose a girl? Well not always. Okay

so I pick on guys more, because opposite sex games are always easy. Fun too.

She’s clever, I know this because of her outstanding results.  I walk over to her and ask: “do you think you can help me with my math homework?” with a bored look she replies; “I don’t think so, unless you want to meet after school. Did you complete the homework for today?” Obviously I didn’t I just don’t care about homework. I begin my body language techniques.

Push out my shoulders confidently, and lean relaxingly on the desk. I grab her attention by eye-contact. She feels rather over powered already, and this is just the basics. School kids, they’re so vulnerable. Well lucky them, I don’t know what being an innocent child feels like.

I say quite sweetly, but my piercing eyes beg to differ: “would you please help me with that before class” I held eye-contact to make her quiver. I’m not that scary but, I guess she just felt obliged to help me since I’m a classmate.

We sit in tense silence. A tension I create by being dominating. Sitting as though the chair should be honoured. I sit and wait. Wait expectantly for her to do something. Next thing I know, she pulls out her math book and says: “why don’t you just copy my assignment and I’ll explain it to you later”. “Great!” I say loudly. She didn’t even smile as she handed me the book but, I smiled gleefully at her. “Thank you very much” I say.

I put the book away, registration class is over, now for the first period: English. Since I’m terrible at English sentences and all the basics really, I have to concentrate in class. This concentration and focus thing I’m experiencing, it only happens once in a while. That’s why I need to take advantage of this.

As I walk down the corridor I realise I’ll be too busy in English to copy the math. I walk up to anonymous one and tap her on the shoulder. With a naughty smile I say to her quietly: “guess what I have? The maths assignment, I’m betting you didn’t do it either?”

She laughs and says: “of course not! Oh my word you are amazing, how did you manage to squeeze that out of miss-goody–two-shoes? Despondently I reply “I don’t know” I shrug” I guess she was in a good mood.” As I use my ‘guilty’ ‘you owe me one’ card, I say in a pleading voice “Could you please copy the math work into my book as well? As I really need to concentrate in English period.”

She looks at me astounded. Not wanting to agree to this deal. But feels she doesn’t have a choice: “oh yes sure” she says hesitantly. I keep quiet but, with a small innocent smile and calm demeanor I look at her; giving a signal that she made the right choice.

After my incessant changing and confusing people between my dominating and sweet nature, I switch to something different. The truth is, I think, I can’t carry on like this, it’s a terrible thing to do, I am a terrible person. And I’m tired anyway. So I close off and become dissociated. Completely careless of my life. I don’t know what’s happening around me. I keep my distance from people, I’m in auto drive, and my sense to converse is dead.

This despondency I give off to people especially the classmates who did my homework for me, causes them to think I used them. I did, but then tomorrow they won’t help me. Toward the end of the day, I force on a smile. Something I’m so use to faking. And I hug them tightly as if to say you are just the best person ever. And to each of them give a gracious humble thank you.

As I walk over to the car I think. Stop doing this. Stop being evil. Stop using people for fun. You don’t need to be evil to survive. I promise you dear you can do your homework. You’re clever and capable.

I sit in the car feeling the motions, it perfectly describes my life. As I sit and stare out the window, thoughts run through my head that worry me, I have to change my ways, but I need to know how!?

I enter the house and don’t even bother with

and I’m out for the day. I’ll wake up in 5 hours from now. I know myself too well.

 If you confuse them they’ll never know what to think. The sad thing is, I don’t always control my confusing moods that I give off to others I’m erratic and you’ll never know how ill behave next.