Unfortunately for me, some of my best experiences includes the most dangerous situations. It’s the thrill of it all, it’s just amazing.
Loud music blaring in my ears. I stare up at the ceiling as I lie on my bed. There’s no use to this life. ‘Oh goodness, not this ol’ story again” a voice in my head says. This ball of disgusting thoughts that I beat against a wall every moment of every day, I’m so sick of it! But what’s the point? I am who I am. And as usual I won’t do anything well, anything constructive.
I get off the bed and as I put on my shoes I think, tea and biscuits, then out on the road for a long walk to the mall. The mall is about twenty minutes away, but about 5 if I had a car. Right in this moment, if I had a car, I would just crash it. What fun. I wonder what would happen if I was in a car accident?
I walk down the passage way, slowly, staring at the walls. Watching my own motion by watching my shadow. I enter the kitchen, it’s too bright. Silly fluorescent lights. They annoy me. Depressed people don’t like brightness, it hurts my eyes, and makes my deliriousness worse. But I stare at the light. I have super powers you know. I’ll stare down the light and before I know it’ll burst into smithereens.
After my eyes begin to water I realise that, my powers are just a bit week today. I have tea to make anyway, no time to fight with the earth. So I flick the switch on the kettle and as the water begins to boil I pull out a mug from the cupboard and a tea bag from the canister. Just before the water is finished boiling, I run to the fridge and fetch the milk. I pour in the hot water followed by the milk. Perfect, all ready.
I take a quick walk to the lounge in a hurry to drink my tea and go for a relaxing walk.
As I sit and try to control my breathing. But, it’s like breathing is nothing. If I just stopped right now. Will it be so bad? I hold my breath, as my eyes close and my mind blanks out. I hear my heart racing, trying to survive. I can hear my life trying so hard to exist. I don’t want to exist! Why can’t my body understand that? I want to end it now, quick and painless.
I hear drizzles against the window. I jump up, run to the kitchen sink and drop my glass gently enough not to break it. My eyes open wide and my smile resembles that of a sports champion. I walk over to my room with a quick little skip in my step. I find my ipod, and I’m ready to go outside.
I feel the gentle drizzle upon my face as I step out of the house. This feeling I get from the rains reminds me of deep thought. Of my ability to dissociate. My philosophical self, my lost self and as far as I’m concerned- my true self. I love the rain.
I take to the streets, and see the beautiful shine on the tar caused by the rain. I’m getting wet and its cold, but it’s just all so beautiful. There’s a slight chill, the wind is cold against my wet body. But I love the feeling of being touched by nature. As if it were wrapping itself around me, holding me tight and showing me a world I’ve never seen before. Nature loves me, and I love this earth more than anything.
Coming closer to the main road, I bring myself out of the clouds and concentrate on the roads I’m crossing over. I try so hard to focus on the real world but, I just can’t. Whenever I’m here I have to run away in my mind. I’m here but I want to leave, what is the use of living? My carefree demeanour quickly changes back to depression. Heavy eyes, no sight of a smile. I see black, I feel empty, I’m scared.
The robot light is go green for the cars. I look left and right to check for cars. I see one coming at quite a speed. Staring straight at this huge red 4×4, as I walk across, calmly, thinking I’ll make it across in time. Trrrrr! I hear the ABS breaks stop right in front of me. I look to see large bull bars nearly smashing through my ribs. Looking up I see the shocked face of a driver. I just stare. And continue walking. It made no difference to me. Life’s just as it is. And mistakes happen I guess. I carry on listening to my music and skip through the rain. Thinking of how cool it is that I survived. My silly body, it always wants to live.