Tag Archives: bi polar type 2

Teenage Sexual Abuse

I began school again therefore haven’t had time for my blog. Well here i am back again trying to get things off my chest while trying to help others not feel so alone in their pain.

So i previously mentioned i was sexually abused by my uncle.I still need to press charges on this guy, his probably hurt someone else by now and its all my fault because I am delaying the process.

My thoughts:

I have this weird thoughts and feelings in my life.

I want to be abused. But I’m so scared of being abused.

Please beat me up and fuck me, then leave me in the corner to cry.

Shout at me and toy with me, I am a nothing, u can do what you want to me. I welcome all kinds of treatment.

You can call me crazy and other names. You can break my soul over and over, let me live in a dark place with you. The light is too far gone, it’s so far I’m not sure I’ll make it to a better life in time.

I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be misunderstood. I don’t want secrets and pretenses. But being this way makes me feel like I got things under control.

I just want to be alone, constantly abused, forever forgotten.

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And Away I go

Unfortunately for me, some of my best experiences includes the most dangerous situations. It’s the thrill of it all, it’s just amazing.

 

Loud music blaring in my ears. I stare up at the ceiling as I lie on my bed. There’s no use to this life. ‘Oh goodness, not this ol’ story again” a voice in my head says. This ball of disgusting thoughts that I beat against a wall every moment of every day, I’m so sick of it! But what’s the point? I am who I am. And as usual I won’t do anything well, anything constructive.

I get off the bed and as I put on my shoes I think, tea and biscuits, then out on the road for a long walk to the mall. The mall is about twenty minutes away, but about 5 if I had a car. Right in this moment, if I had a car, I would just crash it. What fun. I wonder what would happen if I was in a car accident?

I walk down the passage way, slowly, staring at the walls. Watching my own motion by watching my shadow. I enter the kitchen, it’s too bright. Silly fluorescent lights. They annoy me. Depressed people don’t like brightness, it hurts my eyes, and makes my deliriousness worse. But I stare at the light. I have super powers you know. I’ll stare down the light and before I know it’ll burst into smithereens.

After my eyes begin to water I realise that, my powers are just a bit week today. I have tea to make anyway, no time to fight with the earth. So I flick the switch on the kettle and as the water begins to boil I pull out a mug from the cupboard and a tea bag from the canister. Just before the water is finished boiling, I run to the fridge and fetch the milk. I pour in the hot water followed by the milk. Perfect, all ready.

I take a quick walk to the lounge in a hurry to drink my tea and go for a relaxing walk.

As I sit and try to control my breathing. But, it’s like breathing is nothing. If I just stopped right now. Will it be so bad? I hold my breath, as my eyes close and my mind blanks out. I hear my heart racing, trying to survive. I can hear my life trying so hard to exist. I don’t want to exist! Why can’t my body understand that? I want to end it now, quick and painless.

I hear drizzles against the window. I jump up, run to the kitchen sink and drop my glass gently enough not to break it. My eyes open wide and my smile resembles that of a sports champion. I walk over to my room with a quick little skip in my step. I find my ipod, and I’m ready to go outside.

I feel the gentle drizzle upon my face as I step out of the house. This feeling I get from the rains reminds me of deep thought. Of my ability to dissociate. My philosophical self, my lost self and as far as I’m concerned- my true self. I love the rain.

I take to the streets, and see the beautiful shine on the tar caused by the rain. I’m getting wet and its cold, but it’s just all so beautiful. There’s a slight chill, the wind is cold against my wet body. But I love the feeling of being touched by nature. As if it were wrapping itself around me, holding me tight and showing me a world I’ve never seen before. Nature loves me, and I love this earth more than anything.

Coming closer to the main road, I bring myself out of the clouds and concentrate on the roads I’m crossing over. I try so hard to focus on the real world but, I just can’t. Whenever I’m here I have to run away in my mind. I’m here but I want to leave, what is the use of living? My carefree demeanour quickly changes back to depression. Heavy eyes, no sight of a smile. I see black, I feel empty, I’m scared.

The robot light is go green for the cars. I look left and right to check for cars. I see one coming at quite a speed.  Staring straight at this huge red 4×4, as I walk across, calmly, thinking I’ll make it across in time. Trrrrr! I hear the ABS breaks stop right in front of me. I look to see large bull bars nearly smashing through my ribs. Looking up I see the shocked face of a driver. I just stare. And continue walking. It made no difference to me. Life’s just as it is. And mistakes happen I guess. I carry on listening to my music and skip through the rain. Thinking of how cool it is that I survived. My silly body, it always wants to live.

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Survive, suicide,survive,suicide.

Research and constant logical analytically reasoning is just how I survive. Therefore, once again I’d like to share another found fact. Well fact based on experimental research. Many attempted suicides of bi-polar persons includes unconscious actions. According to the research, they found that bi-polar subjects had been in many coincidentally dangerous situations. This example also goes for self-harm.

Fantasy always follows us

I don’t understand. How is this image so clear? My imagination has certainly surpassed my own expectations.

My head turned to the seat next to me. I stare wondering on, why is it so real. I literally feel as though I’m staring back at myself. This is like the movie ‘The Black Swan.’

I wonder, why is she here? Does she have something to say? Speak up. I want to know why you’re here.

Although I know she is not real, my gut tells me to believe. To believe what I see. To seek truth from this girl, she knows more than me. My life is a book of deception but, she sees it through untainted glass. She knows my story.

But why won’t she speak. I stare straight into her eyes, seeking insight. But nothing, it’s blank. She is Surviving, existing, but not really living. She’s just visiting. A ghost wafting about this earth. Knowing more than any of us. She has the answers. She- she just won’t tell me!!

Tell me why am I here. What’s wrong with me? Help me. God please you have to help me. Save me from myself. Give me anything to hold on to.

I recede my pleas, and turn to look out the window. I know the silver lining. I always see them. And right now, I am alone. This battle is mine and so are these answers I seek. I have no ties to people, I am truly free. I can do what I want and I’ll be too oblivious to care about anyone else. I’m too busy surviving this life. Its hard work, but I’m free. I’m not scared, especially not of death.

Next time, a story of unconscious attempted suicide.  

 

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Domination and power

Previously: I came to school In a mood ready to destroy something.

Beautiful shiny pin straight hair, tied in a high pony. I wonder, will hurting her hurt her ego? Oh, I forgot, I don’t really care. Why do I always choose a girl? Well not always. Okay

so I pick on guys more, because opposite sex games are always easy. Fun too.

She’s clever, I know this because of her outstanding results.  I walk over to her and ask: “do you think you can help me with my math homework?” with a bored look she replies; “I don’t think so, unless you want to meet after school. Did you complete the homework for today?” Obviously I didn’t I just don’t care about homework. I begin my body language techniques.

Push out my shoulders confidently, and lean relaxingly on the desk. I grab her attention by eye-contact. She feels rather over powered already, and this is just the basics. School kids, they’re so vulnerable. Well lucky them, I don’t know what being an innocent child feels like.

I say quite sweetly, but my piercing eyes beg to differ: “would you please help me with that before class” I held eye-contact to make her quiver. I’m not that scary but, I guess she just felt obliged to help me since I’m a classmate.

We sit in tense silence. A tension I create by being dominating. Sitting as though the chair should be honoured. I sit and wait. Wait expectantly for her to do something. Next thing I know, she pulls out her math book and says: “why don’t you just copy my assignment and I’ll explain it to you later”. “Great!” I say loudly. She didn’t even smile as she handed me the book but, I smiled gleefully at her. “Thank you very much” I say.

I put the book away, registration class is over, now for the first period: English. Since I’m terrible at English sentences and all the basics really, I have to concentrate in class. This concentration and focus thing I’m experiencing, it only happens once in a while. That’s why I need to take advantage of this.

As I walk down the corridor I realise I’ll be too busy in English to copy the math. I walk up to anonymous one and tap her on the shoulder. With a naughty smile I say to her quietly: “guess what I have? The maths assignment, I’m betting you didn’t do it either?”

She laughs and says: “of course not! Oh my word you are amazing, how did you manage to squeeze that out of miss-goody–two-shoes? Despondently I reply “I don’t know” I shrug” I guess she was in a good mood.” As I use my ‘guilty’ ‘you owe me one’ card, I say in a pleading voice “Could you please copy the math work into my book as well? As I really need to concentrate in English period.”

She looks at me astounded. Not wanting to agree to this deal. But feels she doesn’t have a choice: “oh yes sure” she says hesitantly. I keep quiet but, with a small innocent smile and calm demeanor I look at her; giving a signal that she made the right choice.

After my incessant changing and confusing people between my dominating and sweet nature, I switch to something different. The truth is, I think, I can’t carry on like this, it’s a terrible thing to do, I am a terrible person. And I’m tired anyway. So I close off and become dissociated. Completely careless of my life. I don’t know what’s happening around me. I keep my distance from people, I’m in auto drive, and my sense to converse is dead.

This despondency I give off to people especially the classmates who did my homework for me, causes them to think I used them. I did, but then tomorrow they won’t help me. Toward the end of the day, I force on a smile. Something I’m so use to faking. And I hug them tightly as if to say you are just the best person ever. And to each of them give a gracious humble thank you.

As I walk over to the car I think. Stop doing this. Stop being evil. Stop using people for fun. You don’t need to be evil to survive. I promise you dear you can do your homework. You’re clever and capable.

I sit in the car feeling the motions, it perfectly describes my life. As I sit and stare out the window, thoughts run through my head that worry me, I have to change my ways, but I need to know how!?

I enter the house and don’t even bother with

and I’m out for the day. I’ll wake up in 5 hours from now. I know myself too well.

 If you confuse them they’ll never know what to think. The sad thing is, I don’t always control my confusing moods that I give off to others I’m erratic and you’ll never know how ill behave next.

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The Deep truth…

Image I toss and turn, but no luck. As usual I can’t sleep. I lie on my stomach, should I do something or try to sleep? I shift and lie on my back, trying to rest my body by closing my eyes and taking deep breaths. Avoiding distraction from my mind, I concentrate solely on breathing. After a couple of hundred breaths –yes I counted. i sit up in my bed and stare at the dark, trying to construct an interesting idea out of the shades of darkness before my eyes. Let me elaborate; when I’m looking for an exciting out-of-the-box kind of idea, I don’t look at anything specific, it’s as if I’m looking for a sign from the energies of the earth to tell me what to do next.

My mind begins constructing ideas out of shapes and colours and somehow I end up thinking “I want milkshake”. I have no idea whether this has anything to do with having a mood disorder, or is it just my overactive imagination.

I get out of my bed sluggishly, one leg at a time. I feel the cold air on my legs and wonder is it really cold or am I imagining the cold? My emotions are so pointless. My life is continuous cycle of different personalities at different times. I can never say for sure who I am or what I feel. I have no opinions. These thoughts as well, they’re just part of this exhausting cycle. Today I think of my boring life, tomorrow I’ll love it, yesterday I was just too excited to live and so on and so on.

I drag my feet till I get to my room door. As I place my hand on the door handle I think ‘here we go’. I have a positive attitude and I’m ready to face the world. Leaving my room, I walk down the passage against my own will. Fighting the negativity, fighting the force field that’s stopping me from moving forward. Pulling myself away from my own mind, my thoughts are detrimental. Aaah! I just can’t take it! I enter the kitchen and I immediately collapse on a chair. As if I’ve run a marathon and lost. Completely defeated and exhausted. I can’t help it. I have to think, what is wrong with me? Why is it so hard for me to live? When will I start feeling better again?  

I don’t see what’s the point of feeling? Feelings are lies. Masks of what is logical and true. Feelings change all the time and they change your behaviour. For what?! I don’t deserve this! Going crazy in my head nearly every day wondering what is true. What I truly feel. Why do I see the world so differently? I don’t care anymore. I hate this game called life. I hate my place on this earth I hate my thoughts. I want to personally crack my skull open and rip out my useless brain. I want to blow it to pieces. I want to be dead!

I give up, no thoughts. Supress feelings. Move on. Milkshake is for those who care. Those who feel happy once they had one. I feel nothing now. I don’t need anything. Just sleep. I’m going back to sleep.      

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