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Teenage Sexual Abuse

I began school again therefore haven’t had time for my blog. Well here i am back again trying to get things off my chest while trying to help others not feel so alone in their pain.

So i previously mentioned i was sexually abused by my uncle.I still need to press charges on this guy, his probably hurt someone else by now and its all my fault because I am delaying the process.

My thoughts:

I have this weird thoughts and feelings in my life.

I want to be abused. But I’m so scared of being abused.

Please beat me up and fuck me, then leave me in the corner to cry.

Shout at me and toy with me, I am a nothing, u can do what you want to me. I welcome all kinds of treatment.

You can call me crazy and other names. You can break my soul over and over, let me live in a dark place with you. The light is too far gone, it’s so far I’m not sure I’ll make it to a better life in time.

I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be misunderstood. I don’t want secrets and pretenses. But being this way makes me feel like I got things under control.

I just want to be alone, constantly abused, forever forgotten.

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Love

Dear mother,
I fought for my life for you, won’t you do the same for me?
Please watch your sugar.
Love, your daughter

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Failure really..

“I’d rather go mad and achieve nothing than be anything like you” -Sneaky the Goldfish

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Result of sexual assault pt.2

 As I post this I want my readers to know how sorry I am for not posting last Monday as it simply slipped my mind. In reconciliation I am posting the prequel now and the next essay tomorrow. Thank you and enjoy.

The confessions of a monster
The night he turned me

As a dreadful story is about to be told. There must be a dreadful weather to go along.

Raining, nearly storming outside. She sits on her bed, not cold nor scared. She lies warmly in her blanket.As she cuddles into safety she drifts off to sleep. Little does she know of the fate that lies before her. Will she remember at all, of the girl she was before?

One step two steps, a few steps taken quietly. In the blackened darkness along the hallway. One step two steps a few steps and his in the doorway. He sneaks in, his in her room. Staring at her as she lies in wait. He sees her calmly beauty. He lusts and trusts her body. He knows she’ll want this, he knows she’ll be happy, he knows she’ll understand him and he also knows she is asleep.

He gets excited by his choice, he drops to his knees, aside the bed he sits. The duvet lies limply over her thinly body. His hand finds its way under the duvet. His hand brushes her thigh. He stops to notice she is still in a deep slumber. He moves his hand he slips it into her pants. He knows now his come too far to turn back. With courage he must continue the ritual of turning her.

He touches her, he begins to massage, and it feels so good she thinks, yet in her sleep she is clueless. He begins to rub, forming circles around her cunt. He cannot stop, it’s all he hoped for. He goes faster and faster. His eyes grow wider and wider. He stares at her beautiful face, he is so sorry now. He is a monster. He has come with purpose yet his ready to leave only with sorrow.

She turns her head to face him, her eyes gently open. Say it isn’t so, she knows what is happening. He jumps up and tells to go back to sleep. His eyes are in terrifying shock. He runs out the room. One step two steps he sneaks back to bed.

She just lying. She just wondering. She wants to sleep she is so tired. Tears are forming, her eyes are soaking. What now she wonders. The tears are falling her heart is breaking, she is so confused can someone please save her. Is there any light out there? Please someone help her.

The darkness, for the first time, has never been so empty. Her thoughts are blank, her body in shock. What more can she do then stare into nothingness. She listens to the pouring rain, she use to believe it a beautiful thing but, now it’s only despairing and it will forever remind her of this night.

Just then an angel appears. An angel of gold with white light emitting from it to brighten the whole room like lightening would. Her heart is beating fast as she stares at the angel’s striking eyes. She knew it, she knew she lost her life tonight and the angel is here to fetch her. To free her soul of this horror. The angel will lift this girl’s burdens and fears off her shoulders.

It comes closer to her. Her eyes shut tight to keep out the bright light. The angel kisses her gently on the mouth. She never felt such softness nor believed in such gentleness and it would be the very last time. As the angel pulls away slowly, away with the angel goes her soul. She is left in her room, as an empty shell

Never before has she felt like there was a dark hole inside of her. She is hollow, she has lost everything good in her. She will lie in the darkness and cry and cry, for the angel to bring back her soul.

But until then, she will wait. And as she waits, the hole will grow larger and deeper. She will become more lost as time goes by. She will be alone, she knows, she will have no love, she knows. This hole she will try to fill with exhausted love and tired want. She is a dead girl, she can dump anything inside her, good or bad and she will lose it to the dark hole.

Now she sees herself, just like the pitiful monster that made her, she can only fill the whole with abuse. Constant, ongoing and relentless manipulative abuse.

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Result of sexual abuse.

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Result of sexual assault

My demons, my chaos, my life

I’m sitting in my room. It’s boiling hot. This fucking summer heat. I don’t switch on the air conditioner. I like the feeling of my body fluids running down my neck. My hair is sticky, my t shirt is off and I’m rubbing my nipples. It feels so good. I feel so good. Dammit I need to get these pants off. I slide my hands under my underwear. I start off with a gentle massage. Then go quicker and quicker. Fuck! I love you. I love it when you touch me like that. Sometimes I think of you and all I want to do is see you again. I want to see you every time we fuck. I want you to be with me, like the very first. How you taught me. You taught me so well. You knew me so well. You dirty fucking devil inside my head. You planted your evil inside my head. I’m just like you now. In dire need to be abused, to abuse. Fuck you! I’m rubbing harder and harder. I am you.

Ahhhh yesss yes yesss! The climax! It’s perfect. I waited all day for this. I stick my fingers in and come two more times. Thinking of you. You make me come.

I am the survivor, you didn’t do anything to make me who I am or did you? You’re worse than my molester. You fucking useless piece of ignorance. Careless and fucking heartless. It’ll take me to kill someone. Then fuck them. And then kill myself, for you to notice the monster I am. I keep telling you. I kept telling you. But nothing. No remorse. So sure of yourself and our lives. You make me sick. But don’t worry, he made me sick too.

It’s like he turned me into a vampire…

To be continued next Monday.

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Is abortion like Death Row?

Arguments with my old bi polar self.

Have you ever thought of the fact that abortion is like death row?

Death row is absolutely refuted against in many countries (States). And yet we are willing to kill an innocent child.

Being bi polar where the world is black and white, no emotion to spare for another, I believed in abortion. Better the child does not exist than it suffering the hardship and turmoil on earth. Why would you wish anyone who could not live a privileged life a life at all?

What about Shakespeare almost being aborted. So what? Another person from a different situation would produce the same work and who knows, maybe even greater. I believe this is true as history provides that at any given time if someone is thinking one thing in America, someone else completely unrelated is thinking the same in Australia. (Charles Darwin)

However in truth when it comes down to a person who has the right to think and absolutely every right to ‘free will’. Every person’s situation is different and everyone will react differently, and that is what changes the world. So do we have the right to abort a human? Religiously speaking there is no excuse for aborting a child, “God will provide”.

I think in terms of preventing a terrible life with a drug addict man or an alcoholic Mother, what’s the harm really? But many young woman have selfish reasons. Working woman or single ladies or even teenagers. What gave you the right to take away the best kind of being from walking this earth? What gives a person the right to pre decide the fate of a child?

Furthermore this child is innocent and did nothing to deserve such a painful ending. Yet a convict on death row should be given a ‘second chance’. Really? They get a second chance while babies don’t get a single try at their own lives.

A so called foetus can be aborted up until three months. Three months in the stomach means the baby developed feeling and thoughts. The baby knows its mother already, it can feel when the doctor is ripping it a part as it kills the child.

It seems extremely sadistic to me.

However as previously said, every situation creates a person and that person will achieve something or the other. With free will and opportunity. In a democratic world, or attempting to be many have opportunity.

If you look at any argument, there is ‘for’ and ‘against’, and neither is right or wrong. Because every action has a reaction and it makes no difference, we in a world of motion and continuous change.

I am against abortion because it seems sadistic. I am against death row because it isn’t our right to kill anyone. That in its own is against a law that everyone agrees to.

But all opinions are subject to change.

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