Tag Archives: bipolar type 2

Love

Dear mother,
I fought for my life for you, won’t you do the same for me?
Please watch your sugar.
Love, your daughter

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Result of sexual assault

My demons, my chaos, my life

I’m sitting in my room. It’s boiling hot. This fucking summer heat. I don’t switch on the air conditioner. I like the feeling of my body fluids running down my neck. My hair is sticky, my t shirt is off and I’m rubbing my nipples. It feels so good. I feel so good. Dammit I need to get these pants off. I slide my hands under my underwear. I start off with a gentle massage. Then go quicker and quicker. Fuck! I love you. I love it when you touch me like that. Sometimes I think of you and all I want to do is see you again. I want to see you every time we fuck. I want you to be with me, like the very first. How you taught me. You taught me so well. You knew me so well. You dirty fucking devil inside my head. You planted your evil inside my head. I’m just like you now. In dire need to be abused, to abuse. Fuck you! I’m rubbing harder and harder. I am you.

Ahhhh yesss yes yesss! The climax! It’s perfect. I waited all day for this. I stick my fingers in and come two more times. Thinking of you. You make me come.

I am the survivor, you didn’t do anything to make me who I am or did you? You’re worse than my molester. You fucking useless piece of ignorance. Careless and fucking heartless. It’ll take me to kill someone. Then fuck them. And then kill myself, for you to notice the monster I am. I keep telling you. I kept telling you. But nothing. No remorse. So sure of yourself and our lives. You make me sick. But don’t worry, he made me sick too.

It’s like he turned me into a vampire…

To be continued next Monday.

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Is abortion like Death Row?

Arguments with my old bi polar self.

Have you ever thought of the fact that abortion is like death row?

Death row is absolutely refuted against in many countries (States). And yet we are willing to kill an innocent child.

Being bi polar where the world is black and white, no emotion to spare for another, I believed in abortion. Better the child does not exist than it suffering the hardship and turmoil on earth. Why would you wish anyone who could not live a privileged life a life at all?

What about Shakespeare almost being aborted. So what? Another person from a different situation would produce the same work and who knows, maybe even greater. I believe this is true as history provides that at any given time if someone is thinking one thing in America, someone else completely unrelated is thinking the same in Australia. (Charles Darwin)

However in truth when it comes down to a person who has the right to think and absolutely every right to ‘free will’. Every person’s situation is different and everyone will react differently, and that is what changes the world. So do we have the right to abort a human? Religiously speaking there is no excuse for aborting a child, “God will provide”.

I think in terms of preventing a terrible life with a drug addict man or an alcoholic Mother, what’s the harm really? But many young woman have selfish reasons. Working woman or single ladies or even teenagers. What gave you the right to take away the best kind of being from walking this earth? What gives a person the right to pre decide the fate of a child?

Furthermore this child is innocent and did nothing to deserve such a painful ending. Yet a convict on death row should be given a ‘second chance’. Really? They get a second chance while babies don’t get a single try at their own lives.

A so called foetus can be aborted up until three months. Three months in the stomach means the baby developed feeling and thoughts. The baby knows its mother already, it can feel when the doctor is ripping it a part as it kills the child.

It seems extremely sadistic to me.

However as previously said, every situation creates a person and that person will achieve something or the other. With free will and opportunity. In a democratic world, or attempting to be many have opportunity.

If you look at any argument, there is ‘for’ and ‘against’, and neither is right or wrong. Because every action has a reaction and it makes no difference, we in a world of motion and continuous change.

I am against abortion because it seems sadistic. I am against death row because it isn’t our right to kill anyone. That in its own is against a law that everyone agrees to.

But all opinions are subject to change.

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Cry Like a Waterfall

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It starts the same every time. I sit and lie on my bed thinking of how painful it is to live. How a life can be so hard for some. I know they have a purpose. I know everything in nature has a pattern and meaning. And often amounts to something great. but it’s so hard. Their lives have maybe more importance, or maybe just the same as people who are doing well. No one has a perfect life, but some lives are just so much easier to live. Thinking about the fames in warzone countries in Africa, trickles of water rolls out of my eyes and along my cheek. Here we go again. Im going to cry and cry. The world won’t change. Why do I need to cry? I feel worse after anyway, with a stuffy nose and puffy eyes. The salty tears increases, I’m definitely crying now. I shift over to my dressing table and stare into my painstaking soul. Why can’t I save the world?

 I watch the abundance of tears that flow out of my eyes. I imagine myself as a huge beautiful mountain. With little bits of jagged edges. Dark shadows below the light green trees. And bright white flowers growing from in between the cracks.

Towards the end of the mountain is gushing water. Flowing rapidly over the protruding rocks at the bottom of the mountain. It’s beautiful and perfect. White and bright blue sparkling water against shades of brown of the mountain. Like a painting, a masterpiece I am.

As I cry and cry hoping it will help, I realise: “Oh dear the mountain is drowning.” Surrounded by water that rises a centimetre daily. Slowly, slowly this mountain will no longer be. A huge eye, formed by the edges of the mountain, is crying, water pouring over the rocks. The mountain is drowning itself. Consumed by its own pain.

Nothing helps. Not tears. Not knives. I cannot help myself. No one can help me. A dark room a dark world, the pain just increases day by day. I can hear the cries of millions of people. Ringing in my ears are the struggles of children. Children younger than me in worse situations.

Rocky mountains stand beside it. Dry and hot. But taller than ever. My masterpiece my beauty, is just entrapment. No hands to wipe the tears. No legs to run away. No resources to save the world.

But wait! This amazing scenery makes the world happy. People are happy to see such beauty, furthermore this mountain has a purpose. It grows flowers and trees that help the earth. It creates shallow gushing water so bears can feed on fish. And don’t forget the adventure seeking river rafters, they love rapids.

“Wait what are you doing?” A voice in my head asks. “We sad right now. Don’t try to use that positive shit on me. I’m not happy. I don’t want to be happy. I’m feeling down, down as low as the waterfall, falling to my death. I’m not making up positive thoughts in my head. That just irritates my sad. My sad needs to live and be expressed.”

I am a mountain: Isolated, immovable and eventually non-existent.    

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